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| So... yeah...
Been a long time since I've posted anything really... I've kind of gone through my list of longer private blogs and getting an idea for some longer post...
So I haven't quite fallen off the face of the earth, but there have definitely been some ups and some downs... I'll compile something now that I have a little more free time on my hands.
On a more important note, Super Smash Bros. Brawl comes out tonight! So I'll definitely be playing that with friends... For those friends with a Wii... we should battle it out online.
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| Today, I moved my things out of my apartment in Park Merced to my new
room in San Bruno... in the pouring rain... without any help...
Drew
was supposed to help me, but he didn't answer his phone a half an hour
before I was going up to SF... I didn't get a call from him until 2 PM
when he woke up and apologized for not answering...
It took me 7 hours to move everything making 7 different trips from each location...
I
also got an unsuspected call from someone I wasn't expecting to hear
from ever again... I thought about everything that was said the entire
7 hours... needless to say, I'm pretty demoralized at the moment.
Physically exhausted... mentally exhausted... not exactly the best start to my year. I suppose it can only get better from here?
Midnight Edit:
I've
decided to stay single... I was pushed to a final straw earlier today.
There is an awful lot of validity to the point that was made to me.
I suppose that is a role I'll be sticking to...
I'm
sorry, Jenna, you always said I deserved to be with a great girl... but
I'm done playing games and being hooked-up. You've always said I work
too hard to give up... well, I'm giving up without even trying...
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| Well, I hope everyone has had a happy holidays so far. At least, perhaps a much happier holiday than I received... It's difficult holiday season for me regardless of the smile on my face and the work I manage each day.
Everyday in Decemeber, I had some kind of gig going on. Something that would be earning me money by use of what skills I have acquired in music. Though I'm proud to state that I made a whopping $2200 this holiday season in gig money, I don't know if I would ever want to perform for a living as rigorously as I decided to do this year. All the performing was taxing on me in numerous ways... trying to work gigs around my classes and rehearsals... learning so much music... the stress of wanting to do really well for certain gigs in hopes that they'll invite me or the ensemble that I performed in back again for other events, gatherings, etc. I never liked the performing lifestyle... I wouldn't recommend it to anyone seeking this kind of stuff out, but I'm not other people who may just totally into performing...
School ended okay for me... several things got pretty overwhelming for me nearing the end of school. I haven't bothered to check any of my grades. I'm pretty sure I didn't pass counterpoint with flying colors, but I'm sure I did pass it. I just didn't find it nearly as important as other things and quite frankly all I wanted was the pass the damn class anyway. I don't know how well I did in the English class as I haven't bothered to check yet. I know I was at a C and I needed C's on both my research paper and final to pass the class... I don't feel horrifically confident about how well I did on the final question. We'll see... The ensemble classes aren't worth mentioning as far as grades are concerned since the grade doesn't matter so much to me as doing well.
Christmas, as was Thanksgiving, was awkward for me. Probably because it was the first holiday in the aftermath of my now dysfunctional immediate family. I decided to go to Fresno again for Christmas as I did last year. I went just to get away from my mom for a few days. I'm thankful that I was able to stay with my aunt and cousin and not my dad's mom. The night I got there, I visited my grandmother... If I wanted to deal with questioning and explanations as to what I should be doing with my life, I would have stayed home. On top of that my grandmother talked all about my parent's divorce. Needless to say, my grandmother made me extremely uncomfortable. She's so stubborn as far as what things should be like... I have to fill some damn cookie cutter grandson. I don't know if it is because I'm one of the better ones or not, but I hate how I'm subject to that crap every single time I visit. I don't have the heart to tell my grandmother otherwise because I do respect my elders and betters and she's getting old so I understand she'll just say whatever the hell she feels like saying. Nonetheless, I was happy to visit my sane family members on my father's side.
I called my father on Christmas Eve. It would be the first time in a long time that I would do so. Of course, he didn't pick up, but I had left a message saying that I would be heading to Fresno for Christmas. I haven't heard from my father in several weeks. I can't help but wonder what he is doing. I don't think he'll ever contact me though... I know he isn't that kind of person. I'll keep counting the weeks without contact...
I'll be moving to a smaller, but cheaper room in San Bruno instead of my larger and more luxurious townhouse that I was in before. The rent will be roughly $380 cheaper which is definitely much more manageable. It'll be about $500 flat... I won't be paying for utilities and I'll be pitching in a bit for cable TV, but other than that its a flat rate for me. So I'm pleased I'll be moving. Drew will probably be helping me move on Wednesday.
As this year comes to a close, I believe I can say with ease that this was of the hardest years I've ever had in my life. Definitely a year I will remember for many more years to come. I'm hoping the next year will be better to counter the amount of shit that life decided to shovel into my face.
I've way to many low points to the year that I can't even think of any huge highlights...
Jan. 11th shortly after 6:40PM my grandfather passed away. He was 77 years old. Though, I'm not proud to say so, he was a better father figure than my own father and I won't soon forget the years I was able to spend under his comfort and guidance. The first year anniversary of his death approaches and I hope to go and pay my respects as I should.
The weekend before I went to audition for SFSU, my mother told me she was leaving the household and in the starting process of divorcing my father. After nearly 22 years, my non-communicating family finally fell to pieces. Needless to say, many things were finally brought to the surface. I've lost a large portion of respect for both of my parents. This event troubled me the most because it wasn't my problem, but the ending result affected me.
I managed to lose an almost nine month relationship due to my inability to take care of myself and my inability to grant attention and time to the other over the summer while I was probably at my lowest point. This was quite the cherry on top of all of my problems. I only blame myself really... as nothing would have gone wrong if I just sucked it up and been a man about it. I guess I have some growing up to do...
The weekend before school started, I spent the last day in the house I grew up in for several years. There's something traumatizing for me about that seeing as how I can't call that place home anymore. I've returned to San Jose from San Francisco several times to find myself heading straight back to the cul-de-sac I grew up in only to remember I don't live there anymore.
School was the hard to adjust to. The early class times and the new faces to remember... The expectations and the work load... I can't say that I've completely assimilated myself there... and I don't know if this is definitely the right place for me. I'll know for sure at the end of next semester.
The year, in general, has brought me a fair amount of hardship... though I did manage to learn several things about myself.
Though I admit that I haven't had to deal with so much stuff internally before, but I still isolate myself from the world when I have a huge problem at my hands. It has caused me several problems many years back and it has come back to give me problems now. I have problems taking care of myself during times of my own hardship and I choose to isolate myself from everything else. The problem, I've had to deal with most of the time is that I push those that are closest away from me and therefore I lose those relationships rather than lean on them which is why they are there in the first place. It seems this will have to be something I will have to work with rather than against it.
As someone pointed out to me a while back, I tend to take responsibility for everything; whether or not it was my fault to begin with. I will seldom blame another individual and I usually take full responsibility for actions even if they weren't my actions. I even know myself that somethings are not my fault, but I take responsibility nonetheless and I'm unsure why. This problem is probably a fair contributor to the growing amount of gray hairs on my head. I worry myself to hell.
I've lost a lot of faith in myself to do anything right. I've been told I've lot that kick to my personality and I'm not nearly as outgoing as I used to be. I just assume that it is merely a side effect of this year's lousy events. I figure after life picks back up for me, I'll be back to my old self. Though there will be stuff that I have a feeling will never be the same...
As far as next year is concerned, I think there will be a few changes to my lifestyle that I'll be working on...
During a Christmas party, someone told me how they were giving stuff up as far as losing weight. So as a result, I going to only drink alcohol and or Sprite on Fri, Sat, Sun, and holidays. Mon - Thurs I'm going to hopefully drinking more and more water instead.
I've definitely been spending a fair amount of time with my great uncle. I've gone out to lunch with him and to movies as often as I can with him. I'm sad to say he definitely has grown slower and hope to spend as much time as I can with him while he is still healthy enough to walk, talk, and interact with me. I hope to continue to maintain and even increase the amount of time I have spent with him.
I've taken up taking a stroll every once in a while. A little time to take a walk outside and not say anything or talk to anyone. Just time to walk around and listen and calm my busy soul. I also hope to maintain or increase the frequency of these walks. The walking allows me to have a little time to myself and perhaps some time for me to reflect on a series of things.
In general, I've had a few thoughts about some things...
I've expressed that my first semester at SFSU is going to free of a female relationship. I made that decision due to my lack of faith in myself and my need to focus on trying get my life back on track. Now that semester is over and Jenna, in particular, finds it necessary to try and hook me up with someone. I've managed to meet a few people I'm interested in, but each don't seem to be going anywhere. I'm considering that I may choose to stay single again for another semester. I've found myself being rather comfortable and content with being single and I'm not expecting anything with any current prospect. If nothing pops up, I may just stay single.
I've thought about what a single life may be. This is isn't the first time I've thought about it. I've found that I'm just lousy at the relationship thing and found that I'm just better as a friend or some person people can bitch to. I may just stay this way?.. Its not like women are flocking to me... worshipping the ground I walk on and shit.
I've strangely considered not majoring in music... I haven't personally talked with anyone about it, but it is something thats been sitting at the back of my mind. I've always said that if it weren't for music I may have gone into culinary arts. I suppose its not to late? I've always enjoyed cooking even though there is a time consuming element to it. I'm ashamed to state that I'm not the strongest cooker, but I have always liked it. I don't know... I suppose it won't happen, but I like to think I have some kind of back of if I choose that music is no longer my calling.
Along the same music note... I've questioned if SFSU is really the school for me... I've made several acquaintences. There is roughly one person I would call a good friend. So I guess you can say I'm adjusting slowly with friends. I don't always enjoy how hard it is to get ahold of someone in the composition department. Each time I fail to get a question answered, I remember how proactive Dr. Fisher was as far as getting me to Sac State and I wonder if I won't have the bend my back so much to get things done. I don't know... I may potentially be the fact that I'm a nobody in the department and that I've only really expressed what I could do vocally. I don't know... I'll know what may be better for me after next semester...
These are my thoughts for 2007... I hope 2008 is a better year for me...
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| Because I didn't have the spirit to go out again to play poker with Tran and a few others, I decided to mope around at my Grandparents instead...
I had several opportunities to expel a lot of unnecessary emotions this evening. I apologize profusely to the party I have cause problems for, but I've feel much better than I ever have about certain things.
I've finally stopped hating... and unfortunately I wish I could apply the same treatment to both my parents and myself, but those are relationships that will be much harder to mend. Forgiveness as according to Randy Fujishin has been given and I've finally released a fair portion of hatred and tension from my mind. I was mad... but really there was nothing that they did wrong as they are only looking out for themselves.
I feel given up on to say the least... I can't seem to keep my life in order, so whats the point of doing anything really.
I wish I could forgive myself. I really do... There is nobody that I can't stand more than myself. There is actually nothing self destructive about it. It is more that I can't live with myself knowing that I've ruined some of the best things that has ever happened for me due to things that I've done. I've had plenty issues stacked up with me.
In general, I've never been able to maintain anything when life in general has become too intense. So as I've abandoned things, I've left these things behind only to find that they have left me because I did so to them or that the other end has completely given up on me. The fact I've lost things due to my own selfishness kills me and I've lost a lot of will to rebuild these things or build something else to take these thing's place. I almost feel like I don't really deserve these things. Not to say I don't deserve happiness, but no longer in this form.
I've held anger and discontent for myself for a very long time and I don't know where to start reconstructing my life.
Other than this life is still taking some kind of toll on me (Most cut and paste from other private blogs)
Several Thursdays ago, I had to pull over on my way back to my Grandparent's house. Instinctively, I drove back into Curtner Glen Ct. and made the roundabout in the cul de sac... only to realize that I no longer live there nor could I ever return to the house. On my way to my Grandparents, I had to stop and I broke down. In all honesty, with the exception of two or three times, I've without failure driven into Curtner Glen Ct every time I returned to San Jose coming from San Francisco. And every time, there is that sharp pain that strikes you.
Last Sunday, I went and brought the flower I bought at the Farmer's market I had a gig at to my Grandfather's grave. I broke down there as well... I drove around San Jose for about an hour and by doing so I failed to return back home in enough time to make the movie I was hoping to see with my Great Uncle.
I thought I was doing alright, but its all coming back to bite me in the ass...
I really need to get over this shit... fast...
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| So last week, I did a fair amount of bitching and venting... Over the course of the past 7 weeks, I've been releasing it little by little, but this week I managed to let go of several things. My thanks to those who listened, whether they were aware of it or not...
Though the pending divorce of my parents lingers in my mind, I no longer feel the need to see family nearly as much as I used to when the semester started. I still, however, hold little respect for both my mom and my dad. I also hold a need to spend time with my Great Uncle. With the exception of one of the four weekends I've returned, I've gone and either had lunch with him, seen a movie with him, or both.
I'm slowly getting over the lack of faith and disappointment in myself from a certain event. Though like a much older event before, I believe I will still hold something against myself for what I did, even though it probably would have been the best course of action for me. I've acknowledged and accepted that I couldn't take care of anyone else, except for myself, and I needed to take care of myself. I still need to take care of myself and even now, I know I'm not doing the best job of taking care of myself.
I still miss having a local inner circle. My strongest friends are at least a forty minute to two hour drive for a one on one in person conversation. I suppose I could call, but I was never really one to call. I don't see people on AIM all too often. I'm usually doing something so I don't always get to check who is on and start a conversation. I'll probably start calling different people when I'm on my way home and plan to do things on the weekend.
I actually kinda miss having a good female friend. Someone I could bitch to on a bad day. Jenna is married and working full time and just isn't as available as she was several months ago. Katlynn is also working full time, I suppose I can talk with her some more, but it sounded like her boyfriend had a control or jealously issue so I don't want to step in territory I would be unwelcome in. Christine is never online anymore and we've never really held a conversation over the phone any longer than say five minutes. I could entertain the idea of the Cammisa's... I dunno...
I've usually sought out a female to bitch my problems to only because they generally have a different outlook on things than most guys do.
Certain relationships have diminished from my move out to San Francisco. Much when I made the move to split time between Branham and Leigh High School. Perhaps that things are stablizing out for me again, I may take some time to reestablish or rebuild those relationships.
By the way, that girl that I met when I played poker at Tran's several weeks back... she aparently just moves from guy to guy as I got to finding out as I got to know her a little better. I'm glad I decided to not pursue a relationship then.
This Friday is a choral festival at SFSU. I won't be actively participating in it since I have a single class to go to and I'm not on the committee that deals with the choral festival, but it does give me the free time to go and greet my friends visiting with the West Valley Chamber Singers whenever the get to SFSU.
I'm coming back this weekend after the choral festival... I don't know if I'll go play poker with Tran and company. Anyone care to do something?
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